You're Not a Lost Cause, You're Just Lost!

In honor of World Suicide Prevention Day I want toy share a story with you all.

It was three months ago that I had hit rock bottom and I'll never forget where I was and how I felt at that very moment. Sitting on the floor of my bedroom I grabbed a pen and began to write my goodbyes. My tears made my vision blur, but I finished the note and folded it up nicely and laid it beside me. I got on my feet and grabbed a bottle of pills that had my name on them. I poured out the bottle of pills on the floor and then regathered them and put them back in the bottle and I did this several times before realizing I needed to call someone. When I called my friend McKenna she rushed over and found me in my room listening to Breath Me by Sia and holding a handful of pills. I remember that day, I did not want to live. It was not worth the pain anymore. I hated myself and I hated my life. Suicide felt like the only way out. I survived that day and I am still not really sure how. I don't know what made me not take those pills. 

This was the most recent time I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. The first time I attempted suicide was on the day of my sixteenth birthday. I took half a bottle of ibuprofen and hoped and prayed I would not wake up and I woke up. I was very sick, but alive and I was so angry. Why wouldn't God just let me die. I didn't want to do it anymore. The pain I felt everyday and no one knew I attempted if my parents are reading this I am sure this is the first time they are hearing of this. 

In total I have attempted suicide three times. Each time I go to sleep praying I would die and I never would. How I am still alive I don't know, but I am so glad I am. And how lucky I am to have survived this long and never ending battle with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. It has been so hard maybe to try to learn the cooping skills I need not just to be happy, but to stay alive. I would be lying if thoughts similar to the ones I used to have still don't pop up every now and then, but if there is one thing I have learned is that, I am strong and I can do this. 

Suicide is not a joke, it is not funny, and it is not selfish in anyway. This is a serious problem facing teens and young adults today and to be honest no one is really talking about it. I ask that on World Suicide Prevention Day, if you know someone is struggling, help them don't let them become another statistic. 

Baby Steps My Dear,

Katelyn