You Can Make it to the Sunrise

As World Suicide Prevention day come closer and closer I realize just how big of a problem mental illness is. This past week I had the unfortunate opportunity to call 911 on one of my dear friends. She has had a long struggle with alcohol, but when I got a call from her telling me she had taken some Lortabs in addition to her drinking I didn't really have a choice. She kept telling me how depressed she was and how no one understood. I knew where this was going as soon as she said those words to me and because of that I was faced with a really hard decision weather to let her slowly kill herself or call 911.

I know that suicide can sometime seem like the only answer and maybe like no one understands, but I promise you someone understands. I can promise you that because I understand. I have felt that way so many times. I myself have attempted suicide twice. I get it. I understand. I have felt what you are maybe feeling right now and I can promise you, someone will miss you. So I ask you to put down the blade, put down the pill bottle, put down the alcohol, you can make it to the sunrise, I know you can.


A few weeks ago I made the decision to show off my scars for the world to see. These scars are not to be beautified or to look like some sort of trend. They are a representation of a time where I felt alone and broken. These scars represent a time in my life where I didn't care about anything but when the next time I was gonna cut was. I hurt many people in the process. Since entering recovery it been a roller coaster and there are hard days and hard nights, but it all makes it worth it because this next monday I can say I am 17 weeks clean of self harm. I can't explain how freeing it is to say that.

I know that its so so very hard to stop or to speak up and ask for help, but please do. you will become such a stronger person because of it.

Baby Steps my Dear,

Katelyn.

“Music is a world within itself, with a language we all understand.” - Stevie Wonder

When I first started struggling with self harm I had heard a song called Breathe Me and chances are if you struggle with mental illness you know this song all to well. Eventually it became habit for me to listen to it as I would cut. There were times where I would listen to it because I wanted to drown out the sounds of my screams others it was to avoid hearing the sound of a cold piece of metal tear my skin. The song is dark and it talks about self harm so it was so easy for me to relate, but it was when I started the long road of recovery that I realized that the song itself, the words that were seeping through my speakers were triggering me. I would be lying to you if I said I never listened to it just to give myself a reason to cut.

Music can so greatly affect our mood and even how we view ourselves. When I would hear that song and even when I hear this song now my mind instantly goes to hating myself, but Breathe Me wasn't the only song that made me feel this way, I had a whole list of songs that made me feel horrible and like my life wasn't worth all of the pain I was feeling.

I remember two of the most important people in my life tell me the same thing just at different times. What they told me was that our mind is like a stage and we get to choose what is played. If we hear what ever song it is that makes you feel worthless and hopeless, that is how you are going to feel. It took me so long to learn how to change what song was being played in my head and it took a LONG time to force myself not to listen to those types of songs when I am down, but once I did it was so amazing to realize I was in control. It was not my depression or my Bipolar Disorder, it was me. It was my mind and I was gonna choose what was being played on that fragile stage.

I know that music can be such a useful tool in the recovery process because I have seen the affect it has had on me and my recovery, but there is a fine line between music that you can relate to and music that can trigger. Music can be such a great thing if used in a positive way.

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”

—  Maya Angelou

TWLOHA

I wanted to share some song lyrics with you, the song is called "To Write Love on Her Arms" by Hello.

Well she won't leave this night alone
And she wonґt sleep at all
And all the sorrow that she takes out on herself
It comes around and leaves her bleeding on the floor
And she knows
Yeah she knows that there's a lot of ugly things about this world

These street lights
They shine bright
As they illuminate the darkness of the pavement
They shine
As we try to write in on her arms
The love she longs to taste
And we'll find that inside
That she's a broken heart that anyone could save
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Feeling worthless, self-destruction
Try to take control of this
Find a purpose, reconstruction
Write it somewhere it will stick
And stars are hiding now
But there's something out there still
And she knows
Yeah she knows that there's an awful lot of beauty in this world.

These street lights
They shine bright
As they illuminate the darkness of the pavement
They shine
As we try to write in on her arms
The love she longs to taste
And we'll find that inside
That she's a broken heart that anyone could save
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

And the stars are always there
But we miss them in the dirt and clouds
We miss them in the storms
Remember hope
Remember hope
Hold onto hope
We have hope
Hold onto hope

To Write Love on Her Arms is also an organization to raise awareness about mental illness. I can't stress enough just how many great things they have done for me and my recovery. They have provided me with hope and the sense that I am not alone. Please go and donate to TWLOHA at TWLOHA.com

There is always hope there is always a light at the end of the darkness. 

Much love,

xoxo  

Baby Steps My Dear, Baby Steps.

I was told by someone close to me to always take baby steps. Me being a perfectionist I liked to take ten steps forward and it wasn't until this one person pulled me back and she would tell me in her soft spoken voice, "Baby steps my dear, baby steps." She would have me breathe and take some time to think about what it is I wanted right in that moment.

With my struggles I would always want to wake up cured from self harm, an eating disorder, and my bipolar disorder, but that was never going to happen. Every day was a struggle, but with every day I could say I was clean, it got that much easier.

I am thirteen weeks clean this past Monday. I'm still in the early stages of recovery and boy is it hard. I think about my struggles often and because they are old habits I frequently want to fall back into them.

If you or anyone else struggles with mental health and they are struggling or even just starting the recovery process I urge that you tell them or even tell yourself to take baby steps. Recovery is not something you can rush nor is it something that should be rush. Everyone will move at their own pace. You will know what is best for you and will help you on your journey to fin happiness.

This blog is my story and my recovery, one baby step at a time.