Just Tonight

Just tonight I want to look past the dark.

I want to pull back the curtain and smile as I see the sun break through.

Seeing through the cracks that seem to paralyze me at night.

And just tonight I want to blame everything on no one and just feel free for even a moment.

I want to forgive those who have caused pain 

and I want to give gratitude to those who have helped me grow.

Name by name I would go down the list in thanks and praise. 

It is so easy to get lost, to be shut down, to be afraid.

Stand, hold your head up, smile with your eyes if you just cant force your teeth to show.

Put the blade down, put the lighter down, stop the rubber band from hitting your skin.

Look at yourself in a mirror, tell yourself you're beautiful, because you are.

It is hard to believe that you're loved and worth it, to just be alive, but you are.

There is no need to feel guilty for the scars or the tears shed at night.

There is no need to feel shame for having the disease that is depression.

There is no need to hide from the life of someone with bipolar disorder.

There is no need to hide the food you push around from anorexia yelling in your ear.

There is no need to disappear into the bathroom while bulimia ruins your day.

There is no need to disappear into yourself, hiding your feelings.

There is simply no need.

Be still, hear the sounds of the loved ones trying to save you.

Hold on to the the life savor people are throwing at you.

Hold on to the moments where you feel happy, if only for a second.

And learn to just take small, simple steps.

Baby steps my dear, baby steps.

XOXO,

Katelyn

"Destroy what destroys you."

Fight Like Hell

I wish I wouldn't have relapsed, but that does not mean my life stops. It does not mean I give up. What it means is that now is the time that I must fight my hardest for happiness. I am forced with a choice, one that seems so simple to make, but so hard to follow through with. It is ok to mess up, but it is not ok to give up. I know it seems easier. I know it seems like maybe that's the only choice, but its not. You have a choice and the choice you need to make is one, to live and two, to fight. When I relapsed I got a text from a friend, not saying anything else, but "Its time to fight my dear, fight like hell." So that's what I am doing. I am fighting and it hurts and it is exhausting and most of time all I want to do is sit and cry. I do allow myself to cry. I allow myself to feel and to cry if I need to, but that can not become your life. You're in control. You have the power. Not to say I don't get sad and I am not fighting myself all day not to cut, because I do. Every second of everyday I am trying to keep myself busy and clean. You need to find a way to avoid siting alone, thinking, over thinking, and then begin the dangerous road of hating yourself. I wish I could tell you that its easier the next time around, but its not. Not even close. I would go to say that its harder. BUT it is worth it. I can tell you its going to be worth it when thanksgiving comes around and I go to see my friends back home and its going to be worth it when I go home for Christmas and I can see my brothers and sisters and my whole family. I can tell you it will be worth it when one day again I can say I am 90 days clean. 

I know you can do it. I know you have people who care in love you and once you can see that it will become that much easier to get up everyday and fight.

So, go on, fight. Fight like Hell.

Baby steps.

Katelyn

If I Can Be an Example of Getting Sober Then I Can Be an Example of Starting Over.

I have stared at this computer screen for two hours now and I can't find the words to say what I need to, but I found a song that could. So here it is.

Starting Over- Macklemore

In a while the trust that I once built ’s been betrayed
But I’d rather live telling the truth than be judged for my mistakes
Them falsely held up, gave em props loved then praise
I guess I gotta get this on the page

Feeling sick and helpless, lost the compass where self is
I know what I gotta do and I can’t help it
One day at a time is what they tell us
Now I gotta find a way to tell them
God help ‘em
One day at a time is what they tell us
Now I gotta find a way to tell them

We fell so hard
Now we gotta get back what we lost.. 
I felt you’d go
But you were with me all along.. 

And every kid that came up to me
And said I was the music they listened to when they first got clean
Now look at me, a couple days sober
I’m fighting demons
Back of that meeting on the east side 
Shaking tweaking, hope that they don’t see it
Hope that no one is looking
That no one recognizes that failure under that hoodie
Was posted in the back with my hands crossed shooken
If they call on me I’m passing, if they talk to me I’m booking out that door
But before I can make it somebody stops me and says are you Macklemore?
Maybe this isn’t the place or time
I just wanted to say that if it wasn’t for Otherside I wouldn’t have made it
I just look down at the ground and say thank you
She tells me she has 9 months and that she’s so grateful
Tears in her eyes, looking like she’s gonna cry.. 
I barely got 48 hours, treated like I’m some wise monk
I wanna tell her I relapsed but I can’t
I just shake her hand and tell her congrats
Get back to my car and I think I’m tripping yeah
Cuz God wrote Otherside, that pen was in my hand
I’m just a flawed man, man I eff'd up
Like so many others I just never thought I would
I never thought I would, didn’t pick up the book
Doin’ it by myself, didn’t turn out that good

If I can be an example of getting sober
Then I can be an example of starting over
If I can be an example of getting sober
Then I can be an example of starting over

We fell so hard
Now we gotta get back what we lost.. lost..
I felt you’d go
But you were with me all along.. along..

Baby Steps is what I am telling myself today. So I will tell you the same.

XOXO
katelyn

Hiding Behind a Crocked Smile

Depression is all consuming. It makes you feel weak and lonely. Depression takes over your thoughts until you just start to think those thoughts are your own. With all of this comes trying to hide it from everyone. I loved to have a smile plastered on my face. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting. I wanted to make sure everyone around me was happy before my own happiness even came close to mattering. All day I would be smiling, trying to be the happy or pretend I was, but then when my family would go to sleep and the house would get quiet is when I finally would break. The time between eighth grade year and my freshman of high school I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I learned that I could it hold it in until I completely fell apart and no one knew. Around that time is when I began my very long road with self harm. I did my best to hide it for a long time. My family I don't think, really knew what to do with me. So I didn't feel like I could turn to them. My friends weren't the best human beings in the world and the only Katelyn they knew was the happy one who was on the cheerleading squad and had a new boy friend ever week, so I just told no one. I wasn't very religious most of my high school career and a lot of that steamed from a failed suicide attempt and I was just angry with God for a really long time, but I still tried to reach out to him, but he never seemed to answer when I needed him. Therefore I was left with nowhere to go, no one to turn to, it was just me lying on the floor most nights trying to muffle the crying for ours. The silent screams that I tried to make loud so someone would hear me never happened, so for years I just lived my life like that. I was tired, I was angry, and I wanted to die by the age of fourteen.

In high school I don't ever remember someone talking about depression as a disease, it was taught as your crazy, get help. We were never given any tools or knowledge to be able to recognize and help ourselves. It was something kids joked about, killing yourself. I didn't ever feel comfortable talking about what I was feeling, I just thought I was crazy and that was it. And then I started talking. It took me going through therapist after therapist, but then I met my councilor Stephanie and then I finally started to get it. 

Being able to talk is so important. I can't even begin to explain how much talking through. . . my life basically has changed me for the better. It is something I had never really done before and to be honest I hated it at first. It made me sad talking about my past and it brought up a lot of hold feelings that I never wanted to feel again, but overall it helped. I know finding the right therapist is hard and it takes a long time and if you haven't found the one that just right for you then make sure you are talking to someone. The longer you bottle things up the more likely it is that you will finally break. Everyone has their breaking point. You can only be in so much pain before it all falls apart. So find someone you TRUST that is key and talk. Just start talking, don't be afraid. You can do it. 

Just keep taking those baby steps.

Katelyn 

PS. atwarwithyourself.blogspot.com check it out.

Well, I know the feeling

Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge

And there ain't no healing

From cutting yourself with the jagged edge

I'm telling you that, it's never that bad

Take it from someone who's been where you're at

Laid out on the floor

And you're not sure you can take this anymore

So just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you

Out of the darkness and into the light

'Cause I have faith in you

That you're gonna make it through another night

Stop thinking about the easy way out

There's no need to go and blow the candle out

Because you're not done

You're far too young

And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Well, everybody's hit the bottom

Everybody's been forgotten

When everybody's tired of being alone

Yeah, everybody's been abandoned

And left a little empty handed

So if you're out there barely hanging on...

Just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Lullaby by Nickleback 

Saving You

I have talked about how music can get you through just about anything and in my last blog posted I talked about how this past week has been really tough. As I was listening to the playlist on Spotifiy called TWLOHA I heard a song that, today got me through. It made the thoughts of wanting to self harm disappear. A lot of times I want to escape this paralyzing world that I walk on everyday. You feel like no one knows what its like to be buried in this whole. Sometimes you feel everything at once and others you feel nothing at all. Today was one of those days where I felt nothing at all, but then I hit a wall where I then felt everything all at once. If there is another thing I have learned this week its that medicine is not a magic fix. It doesn't heal you, it doesn't cure you. I will always struggle with major Depression and Bipolar Disorder and I hate that I will have to deal with the mood swings the rest of my life. It is frustrating that I cant explain why I am sad most days and its hard that I can't explain why I am happy one day and so low the next, but I have to use the coping skills that I have learned, use the tools given to me, and fight. You have to fight everyday and it hurts and its hard, and most of the day I am exhausted. I want to crawl in bed and sleep for days, but its not an option. Living is the only option and in order to do that you just have to keep going. You can not stop. As hard as it gets and if you think you can't make it... I am here to tell you can, because if I can make it anyone can. I didn't always think that, but I do now. You can do it. On of the most important people in my life always told me when I would want to give up, "You can do hard things." So can you. Everyone can do hard things as long as you put in the work.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song. It's called "Saving You" by Chris Granim

Sit back You're not so different 
Drop the gun Don't hurt anyone 
I know the pain inside 
Just look into my eyes 
Cry It's just you and I
We've gone through everything And everything's alright 
Look into my eyes 
Don't say goodbye 
I'll be your friend 
Turn the lights off Baby think again
Don't say goodbye I'll be your friend 
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 
Tonight we'll change your life 
And tonight I'll be here my friend 
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 
Tonight we'll change your life 
And tonight I'll be here my friend
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 
Sit back You're not so different 
Drop the gun Don't hurt anyone 
I know the pain inside 
Just look into my eyes 
Cry It's just you and I
We've gone through everything And everything's alright
Look into my eyes 
Don't say goodbye
I'll be your friend 
Turn the lights off Baby think again
Don't say goodbye 
I'll be your friend
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 
You've got nothing to die for So live it up.
You've got nothing to cry forget it all.
Tonight we'll change your life 
And tonight I'll be here my friend
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 

XOXO,

Katelyn 

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

Falling down the scary rabbit hole of depression can seem like you are just falling straight to your death. You feel like you can't stop or even slow down and before you know it, you've hit bottom and you don't know what to do. It takes me about a week to finish falling down my rabbit hole. The pain you can feel and the lack of life you can feel is both unsettling and tortuous. What seems to take double or even triple the time is climbing back out, dusting yourself off, and trying to start again. 

Starting again is not bad, its not a negative. It just means you stumbled maybe feel down and now your standing back on your two feet. And it's really hard and I suck at it to be honest. Today I am beginning my climb back out. Part of that is asking for help and doing the things you need to do to keep yourself safe. Separating yourself from those who weigh you down, resting, and keep pushing forward. Sleep is something I always seem to over look. I hate sleeping. If I could function on three hours of sleep I would and I used to live that way, but since I started this whole recovery process I have realized that sleep is so very important. When my sleep gets messed up is when I begin to fall down that rabbit hole. Another thing I hate doing, but I know that is so important is reaching out for help. You can't do it on your own, you just can't especially when you are running on no sleep and are just mentally and physically exhausted and can barely function. For me right now it is going to my sisters house. Now when you reach out for help you can not simply rely on other people and "hide" behind them. Talking to a therapist is also super important because talking about things and getting them out in the open can make that weight you feel on your shoulders feel lighter even if its just by a little bit. 

This blog post has kind of been all over the place, but the point I am trying to make is even if you fall down you can always get back up. It does not mean you have failed. It does not mean you are weak by asking for help. Falling is not an excuse to retreat back to addictive patterns. Your are stronger than you think and if you don't think so.. well your alive aren't you? I know its hard and it hurts, just keep pushing through. Baby steps.

Xoxo,

Katelyn 

Please, keep living. 
"Stay strong for us, Cause the love we can create can overcome all of the pain. Stay strong They never thought they could be so close to hell. And they never thought they could learn to love themselves"

You're Not a Lost Cause, You're Just Lost!

In honor of World Suicide Prevention Day I want toy share a story with you all.

It was three months ago that I had hit rock bottom and I'll never forget where I was and how I felt at that very moment. Sitting on the floor of my bedroom I grabbed a pen and began to write my goodbyes. My tears made my vision blur, but I finished the note and folded it up nicely and laid it beside me. I got on my feet and grabbed a bottle of pills that had my name on them. I poured out the bottle of pills on the floor and then regathered them and put them back in the bottle and I did this several times before realizing I needed to call someone. When I called my friend McKenna she rushed over and found me in my room listening to Breath Me by Sia and holding a handful of pills. I remember that day, I did not want to live. It was not worth the pain anymore. I hated myself and I hated my life. Suicide felt like the only way out. I survived that day and I am still not really sure how. I don't know what made me not take those pills. 

This was the most recent time I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. The first time I attempted suicide was on the day of my sixteenth birthday. I took half a bottle of ibuprofen and hoped and prayed I would not wake up and I woke up. I was very sick, but alive and I was so angry. Why wouldn't God just let me die. I didn't want to do it anymore. The pain I felt everyday and no one knew I attempted if my parents are reading this I am sure this is the first time they are hearing of this. 

In total I have attempted suicide three times. Each time I go to sleep praying I would die and I never would. How I am still alive I don't know, but I am so glad I am. And how lucky I am to have survived this long and never ending battle with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. It has been so hard maybe to try to learn the cooping skills I need not just to be happy, but to stay alive. I would be lying if thoughts similar to the ones I used to have still don't pop up every now and then, but if there is one thing I have learned is that, I am strong and I can do this. 

Suicide is not a joke, it is not funny, and it is not selfish in anyway. This is a serious problem facing teens and young adults today and to be honest no one is really talking about it. I ask that on World Suicide Prevention Day, if you know someone is struggling, help them don't let them become another statistic. 

Baby Steps My Dear,

Katelyn 

Just For a Moment

So take a minute to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth living. 

There is more than this pain that's in your heart.

There is more than feeling numb or not feeling at all.

There is more than the lifeless piece of medal controlling your life.

Just for a moment tell yourself that you mean something to someone, because you do. I know that its hard and I know that it hurts, but I ask that you hang in there for one more day. Get off tumblr, stop listening to that one song that just seems to make everything worse, and try to hold your held high and stay strong through this messy time that may be your life. Call someone if you need to talk. Remember that it is ok to cry don't ever think that its not. People need people so don't be afraid to open up to someone. You can do this. You can survive. You will make it. I know you will.

Baby steps my dear, baby steps,

Katelyn 

90 Days Clean

The tittle of this entry may be a little confusing considering this next monday will make 133 days clean, but I was thinking about one of the first addiction recovery meetings. I will never forget this man stood up, his addiction not important, but he looked at everyone and said “I am 90 days clean.” After leaving that meeting I was so overwhelmed with everything in my life at that time, but I turned to my friend who was with me and said “I wanna be 90 days clean.” So without even realizing I am now 90 days clean, plus some.

Staying clean from self harm is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It has been worth it, no doubt, but I sometimes would forget that this whole recovery thing I was trying to tackle was a process. I would get down on myself a lot of times just because I felt sad or I felt the urge, but that isn’t ever gonna go away. There will always be times where I am sad and no amount of medicine will fix that and I will probably always struggle with an urge to self harm. When you come to finally see just how much you life has benefited from simply starting the recover process, going to that first meeting, or even just telling someone you need help, that allows you to step back and say I made the first step now I can do the rest. Its not to say that is won’t be hard or that sometimes you won’t hurt, but if there is one thing I know, it’s that you can do hard things, because that first step was had, one of the hardest, and you did it! And you can continue to do them.

If you haven’t yet made that first step… speak up, tell someone you need help, drive yourself to a meeting, you are in control of your life and what happens is all up to you. The ball is in your court. What will you choose to do?

I was just rereading some of what I wrote and it is the exact words one of my church leaders told me, probably pretty close word to word. Another thing I can’t stress enough is having a good support system. Mine was made up of a lot of people and I am very lucky to have all of them in my life. So I urge you to surround yourself with good people and then try to make them you’re support system. 

Baby steps my dear,

Katelyn