Hiding Behind a Crocked Smile

Depression is all consuming. It makes you feel weak and lonely. Depression takes over your thoughts until you just start to think those thoughts are your own. With all of this comes trying to hide it from everyone. I loved to have a smile plastered on my face. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting. I wanted to make sure everyone around me was happy before my own happiness even came close to mattering. All day I would be smiling, trying to be the happy or pretend I was, but then when my family would go to sleep and the house would get quiet is when I finally would break. The time between eighth grade year and my freshman of high school I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I learned that I could it hold it in until I completely fell apart and no one knew. Around that time is when I began my very long road with self harm. I did my best to hide it for a long time. My family I don't think, really knew what to do with me. So I didn't feel like I could turn to them. My friends weren't the best human beings in the world and the only Katelyn they knew was the happy one who was on the cheerleading squad and had a new boy friend ever week, so I just told no one. I wasn't very religious most of my high school career and a lot of that steamed from a failed suicide attempt and I was just angry with God for a really long time, but I still tried to reach out to him, but he never seemed to answer when I needed him. Therefore I was left with nowhere to go, no one to turn to, it was just me lying on the floor most nights trying to muffle the crying for ours. The silent screams that I tried to make loud so someone would hear me never happened, so for years I just lived my life like that. I was tired, I was angry, and I wanted to die by the age of fourteen.

In high school I don't ever remember someone talking about depression as a disease, it was taught as your crazy, get help. We were never given any tools or knowledge to be able to recognize and help ourselves. It was something kids joked about, killing yourself. I didn't ever feel comfortable talking about what I was feeling, I just thought I was crazy and that was it. And then I started talking. It took me going through therapist after therapist, but then I met my councilor Stephanie and then I finally started to get it. 

Being able to talk is so important. I can't even begin to explain how much talking through. . . my life basically has changed me for the better. It is something I had never really done before and to be honest I hated it at first. It made me sad talking about my past and it brought up a lot of hold feelings that I never wanted to feel again, but overall it helped. I know finding the right therapist is hard and it takes a long time and if you haven't found the one that just right for you then make sure you are talking to someone. The longer you bottle things up the more likely it is that you will finally break. Everyone has their breaking point. You can only be in so much pain before it all falls apart. So find someone you TRUST that is key and talk. Just start talking, don't be afraid. You can do it. 

Just keep taking those baby steps.

Katelyn 

PS. atwarwithyourself.blogspot.com check it out.

Well, I know the feeling

Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge

And there ain't no healing

From cutting yourself with the jagged edge

I'm telling you that, it's never that bad

Take it from someone who's been where you're at

Laid out on the floor

And you're not sure you can take this anymore

So just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you

Out of the darkness and into the light

'Cause I have faith in you

That you're gonna make it through another night

Stop thinking about the easy way out

There's no need to go and blow the candle out

Because you're not done

You're far too young

And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Well, everybody's hit the bottom

Everybody's been forgotten

When everybody's tired of being alone

Yeah, everybody's been abandoned

And left a little empty handed

So if you're out there barely hanging on...

Just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Lullaby by Nickleback