“Music is a world within itself, with a language we all understand.” - Stevie Wonder

When I first started struggling with self harm I had heard a song called Breathe Me and chances are if you struggle with mental illness you know this song all to well. Eventually it became habit for me to listen to it as I would cut. There were times where I would listen to it because I wanted to drown out the sounds of my screams others it was to avoid hearing the sound of a cold piece of metal tear my skin. The song is dark and it talks about self harm so it was so easy for me to relate, but it was when I started the long road of recovery that I realized that the song itself, the words that were seeping through my speakers were triggering me. I would be lying to you if I said I never listened to it just to give myself a reason to cut.

Music can so greatly affect our mood and even how we view ourselves. When I would hear that song and even when I hear this song now my mind instantly goes to hating myself, but Breathe Me wasn't the only song that made me feel this way, I had a whole list of songs that made me feel horrible and like my life wasn't worth all of the pain I was feeling.

I remember two of the most important people in my life tell me the same thing just at different times. What they told me was that our mind is like a stage and we get to choose what is played. If we hear what ever song it is that makes you feel worthless and hopeless, that is how you are going to feel. It took me so long to learn how to change what song was being played in my head and it took a LONG time to force myself not to listen to those types of songs when I am down, but once I did it was so amazing to realize I was in control. It was not my depression or my Bipolar Disorder, it was me. It was my mind and I was gonna choose what was being played on that fragile stage.

I know that music can be such a useful tool in the recovery process because I have seen the affect it has had on me and my recovery, but there is a fine line between music that you can relate to and music that can trigger. Music can be such a great thing if used in a positive way.

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”

—  Maya Angelou