I Never Wanted to Let Go

There is something that I hate talking about. Its not my depression or my bipolar disorder. It is not my anxiety or my fears. I have reactive attachment disorder  and to me its so hard to talk about. I have and still do find it embarrassing and on the occasion I talk about it I understand just how weird and cray it sounds. As a "side affect" of this disorder  I have always attached myself to motherly figures. I have done this for as long as I can remember, but there is one person who I attached to and still haven't really let go.
I moved in with a church leader of mine last spring. It didn't take very long for me to attach myself to her. I used to sleep in her bed every night and it got to a point where we had to set up almost a limit of how many times I could sleep in her bed a week. I don't really know in the moment when I am attaching to someone until I can step back from the situation. I will try to explain just how attached I was. When I would sleep in her bed I would fall asleep with my arm over top of her that way if she were to move I would wake up. I had this overwhelming fear that she was going to leave in the middle of the night an never come back. Which sounds crazy and stupid, but it was a legit fear I had.
Me and this church leader talk everyday pretty much all day. She is always the first one I call when I am sad or lonely or need help. There are many times when I feel so guilty for attaching to her that I just start crying and feel sick to my stomach simply because she didn't ask for me to be attached her.

I was very confused as to why I was so attached to her and as I asked in therapy why I was this way and as she explained it to me I was sort of able to make sense of it all. I see her as a mother figure and she showed me the affection that a mother would. She would hold me when I was hurt and comfort me when I was at my lowest of lows.

The reason I am talking about this now is because I am getting ready to come home from college for a few weeks and spend some of those weeks with her. I am terrified. I know as soon as I am home all I will want to do is sleep in her bed again and crawl up next her all the time. There are some things that I am trying to work through and come to terms with and I cry a lot and I don't want to be crying my whole trip, but I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to know that when I will cry, she's is actually going to be there. Being at college hasn't stopped her from being there for me, but she hasn't been able to physically be there to give me a hug or hold me if I was having hard time. All of these things aside my biggest fear is jumping back to old habits and I just hope I am strong enough not to go back.

Being embarrassed of something you struggle with is hard. Its hard because you don't ever wanna talk about it and because of that you keep it bottled up. I never talk about this and because of that its made me feel weird and really really alone.

Don't bottle things up. If you need to talk, talk. Write it down if you just need to get it out. You're not alone. I promise.

Baby steps,

Katelyn.

everybody hurts, everybody falls, everybody tries
but we'll never win the all
everybody cries, everybody fails, everybody dies a million time
and what we need is someone
when somebody saves you reaches out their hands
when somebody saves you doing what they can
somebody saves you somebody saves you
somebody saves you, every life is hard
every tear drop sting, everybody has to face
so many many thinks, we all have our wounds
we all have our scars, and there are no promises
tomorrow won't be hard,
when somebody saves you reaches out their hands
when somebody saves you doing what they can,
when somebody saves you get you safe and sound,
when somebody saves you you were lost and found,
you were lost and found somebody saves you
somebody saves you, somebody saves you
sometimes, we and up on the ground
sometimes, we need someone
sometimes we and up on the ground
sometimes, we need someone,
when somebody saves you reaches out their hands
when somebody saves you doing what they can,
when somebody saves you get you safe and sound,
when somebody saves you when you' re down and out,
and you were lost and found, gettnig pushed around,
and you were lost and found, somebody saves you,
somebody saves you, somebody saves, somebody saves you,

When Anxiety Hits

The past little while if there is one thing that has hit my right in the face its my anxiety. Not to long ago I went off my anxiety medication because it was causing problems with my breathing. After I was off of the medication I didn't struggle with anxiety until the past week or two. Sounds are amplified, my heart pounds out of your chest, and for a moment you think you just might pass out. I have learned coping skills for self harm and dealing with mood swings and depression, but I have not seemed to master anxiety. I have someone who tells me the same things every time and I never seem to think of them until I feel anxious and then panic because I feel anxious. The advice I get every time is, 5 breaths in and 5 out. What comes after that is usually a lot of tears. I don't feel like I can handle it. Eventually the anxiety will pass and I will be able to breathe again.

So no I do not feel like I have a handle on my anxiety as of right now, but what I do know and can always count on is that it will pass. It may not feel like it will pass, but it will. Everyone has anxiety. Some persons may be more or lesser than yours, but all anxiety alike, its hard and it just kinda sucks. Like most crappy things in life you will get through it and come out the other side having learned something. Maybe a new coping tool or you have found something that makes your anxiety just a  little less horrible.

Baby steps,

Kate

Understanding the Sad

A lot of the time I can not explain why I am sad and when I was younger I would make up lies to make people think I had a reason to be sad when in all reality it was just how my brain was wired. Now at 18 I still feel that way sometimes. I can be depressed for no reason and it is one of the most frustrating things I struggle with. I can become angry with myself and say "just be happy." That thinking is not realistic, because unfortunately a lot of the time I am sad for just no reason other than I'm sad. What is most important that I have gotten from all of this is, that is just going to have to be enough. Being sad cause I'm just sad. And thats ok. I have two women in my life who taught me many of thing, but one thing they both taught me is how important communication is when you are just have a sad day. Once you find someone who you can confide in and trust and then you can express how you're feeling, a little bit of that pain in your chest will fade. Sometimes I will text a good friend of mine at 3am knowing she will not text back, but I know she will read it in the morning, but I was able to get those feelings out. Another thing is writing your feelings on a piece of paper and ripping it up. I have used this coping tool so much! I have used it today! There are so many options, other than sitting in your bed, listening to sad music, and crying. Now this is not to say I don't do that from time to time, because I do. Sometimes I need that time to just cry and get things out, but you cant be down and out forever. You need to get up and go do something.

Life is gonna kick you around sometimes. You need to build up a defense and make sure you are keeping yourself safe.

Never give up, Stay Strong, and keep taking those baby steps.

Katelyn

Sometimes Quiet is Violent

One thing I struggled with a lot is speaking up about how I feel. I always wanted people to think I was happy and perfect and everything was fine. I would walk in my room and fall apart. on my knees crying, begging to a God who I wasn't even sure if he was listening, to just let me die. I would eventually cut, cry myself to sleep and do it all over again. How bad I wanted to my parents to walk in while I was cutting or while I was crying and hold me and tell me I was ok, but they never walked in. They would see the after math of what I had done to myself. They would ask why I didn't tell them. Why I didn't share with them my pain. I wanted to fix myself. I wanted to do everything by myself.

Now while I am away at college I am trying to figure out this whole life thing and many times while trying to figure myself out it has left me in tears. Being on my own has forced me to learn coping skills. Its been a sink or swim time and I may only be doggy paddling but I'm ok and ok is better than sad. And ok is somewhere I am perfectly content with.

If you having trouble, if you are struggling, if you have fallen and can't get up, call someone. Tell someone if you are sad don't let it get to the part where you confide in a blade. If you don't wanna talk about your problems thats ok, just talk to talk. Get you mind off the negative and try to focus on the positive.

You can do this,
You can make it one more night,
You can make it through.

Baby steps my dear,

Katelyn.

Something to Believe In

While trying to continue on the long road of recovery it is important to have something or someone to believe in. Now, I want you to take a second and think about what the someone or something is.
                        Do you have it? Now go and grab a piece of paper and write it down. Look at what you wrote, think about it for a minute, really think. Now when you're ready tear it up and throw it away. Now go grab another piece of paper and write ME on it. Hold that piece of paper and go look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, "I believe in me." The only person you need to believe in is you. The only thing you need to believe in is your strength. You are the one who is gonna have that power to put that blade down, to wipe your tears, and pick yourself back up. This does not mean you do not need a support system made up of friends and family, but like I have said many times before, you are the only one who can save you.

Hang that piece of paper on a mirror where you look at yourself often so you can remember who you are believing in everyday, YOU.

Listen to me, no artsy or depressing pictures. No distracting fonts or colors. Just read, somebody cares, in fact I care and it will get easier. It may not seem like it I know, but I promise you that at least one person cares about you and values your life. You are so beautiful and you deserve so much more than what you are doing to yourself. Don't hurt yourself, don't beat yourself down, don't hold it in. Just let it all out, and breathe, because just the fact that you can breathe is pretty amazing. Don't give that up. When the razor, knife, pill, whatever it is, is whispering you name know i'm yelling yours at the top of my lungs. I know the skin your living in hurts a lot of the time, but please don't keep tearing it open. You are worth fighting for. SO keep fighting through the pain, through the tears, through those dark nights. You'll make it out alive, I know you will, because if I can do it, anyone can. You can do this.

Stay strong. Just keep taking those baby steps, you'll get there.

Much Love,

Katelyn.

To Be Wanted by Plugin Stereo 

You don't know what you got so you just give it away.
To anyone who's looking.
Makes your heart want to stop, When he refuses to stay.

So save your love for somebody who earns it. don't cave because of the wait'll be worth it.
Don't be something you're not because you'll be running in place.
Feel like you might come undone. Well you're not the only one.

Cause we all just want to be wanted. Want to be all somebody needs.
Yeah we're all just looking for something. That gives us a reason to believe.
That no matter what you're going through. You hold on to the key.
Yeah we all just want to be wanted. So if you're wanted. Let me hear you say

Yep, you're beautiful
Let everybody know
It's indisputable.

You don't know what it's like, To have a place called home.
Getting pulled in all directions.
And since your parents gave up, You Were left with nowhere to go.
Feel like you might come undone, Well you're not the only one.

Cause we all just want to be wanted. Want to be all somebody needs.
Yeah we're all just looking for something. That gives us a reason to believe.
That no matter what you're going through. You hold on to the key.
Yeah we all just want to be wanted. So if you're wanted. Let me hear you say
Yep, you're beautiful
Let everybody know
It's indisputable.

Cause we all just want to be wanted. Want to be all somebody needs.
Yeah we're all just looking for something. That gives us a reason to believe.
That no matter what you're going through. You hold on to the key.
Yeah we all just want to be wanted. So if you're wanted. Let me hear you say
Yep, you're beautiful
Let everybody know
It's indisputable.

You Don't Have to Go

I would be lying if I said I never triggered myself so I would cut. I knew I wanted to do it so bad, but I wasn't numb enough. I would listen to that one song or watch that one clip from that movie, or just look at those pictures on that website and it was because of those that I could trick myself into becoming numb enough so the cuts wouldn't hurt. This cycle was killing me. I had people telling me to stop listening, reading, watching, but I had no interest I knew I needed to cut but I couldn't do it with out those things. And If you self harm and you unfortunately know what I am talking about, stop doing it. Its not worth that new scar or the lose of that next pound. You could be that next day closer to being self harm be if you wouldn't trigger yourself. I know that its hard when you can feel the next episode building inside and you just want to get out your pain somehow. And I know it feels like the only way to get your hurt out, but its not. Tumblr is  not gonna keep you clean. The only person who can save you, is you and I know you probably hate when people tell you that, I know I used to. That saying used to make me so mad and so upset, it would actually make me want to self harm even more, but I am telling you thats true. No one could learn the coping skills for me, no one could talk in therapy for me, and no one could put down the razor except for me. So yes its hard. Yes it hurts and yes a lot of the time you don't think you are going to make it through the day, but you can and you will. I did it. I am doing it. You don't have to be stuck. You don't have to cry every day. You don't have to be locked inside you mind. You can live instead of just surviving. You can breathe without your chest feeling like its going to cave. You don't have to dread being in your room at night. You don't have to keep self harming. You don't need to leave this world. All you need to do is stay here, with us, with the people that love and care about you. And if you don't think people care, well I care. I will always care.

Just keep taking those baby steps my dear,

xoxo

Katelyn.


Try by Colbie Caillat

Put your make up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
Yooou don't have to try

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit card
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
Yooou don't have to try

Keep Fighting

Recovery is a constant process of fighting and a lot of times I get really tired and I just want to give up, but that is not an option. In order to win this battle its so important to keep going. To press on and not stop. Sometimes it seems like waking up is hard maybe even breathing seems like too much, but you have to keep fighting. You have to keep going. I know it seems like there is no end to the pain of recovery, but if there is one thing I will say is that there will come a day where you will wake up and you'll be ok. and It may not be for a long time, weeks, months, maybe even years, but there will come a time where you will be ok. You may never be the happiest person in the world, but you also wont be miserable. The storm will pass, it always does. 

Just take baby steps my dear,

with much love,

Katelyn.

Just Tonight

Just tonight I want to look past the dark.

I want to pull back the curtain and smile as I see the sun break through.

Seeing through the cracks that seem to paralyze me at night.

And just tonight I want to blame everything on no one and just feel free for even a moment.

I want to forgive those who have caused pain 

and I want to give gratitude to those who have helped me grow.

Name by name I would go down the list in thanks and praise. 

It is so easy to get lost, to be shut down, to be afraid.

Stand, hold your head up, smile with your eyes if you just cant force your teeth to show.

Put the blade down, put the lighter down, stop the rubber band from hitting your skin.

Look at yourself in a mirror, tell yourself you're beautiful, because you are.

It is hard to believe that you're loved and worth it, to just be alive, but you are.

There is no need to feel guilty for the scars or the tears shed at night.

There is no need to feel shame for having the disease that is depression.

There is no need to hide from the life of someone with bipolar disorder.

There is no need to hide the food you push around from anorexia yelling in your ear.

There is no need to disappear into the bathroom while bulimia ruins your day.

There is no need to disappear into yourself, hiding your feelings.

There is simply no need.

Be still, hear the sounds of the loved ones trying to save you.

Hold on to the the life savor people are throwing at you.

Hold on to the moments where you feel happy, if only for a second.

And learn to just take small, simple steps.

Baby steps my dear, baby steps.

XOXO,

Katelyn

"Destroy what destroys you."

Fight Like Hell

I wish I wouldn't have relapsed, but that does not mean my life stops. It does not mean I give up. What it means is that now is the time that I must fight my hardest for happiness. I am forced with a choice, one that seems so simple to make, but so hard to follow through with. It is ok to mess up, but it is not ok to give up. I know it seems easier. I know it seems like maybe that's the only choice, but its not. You have a choice and the choice you need to make is one, to live and two, to fight. When I relapsed I got a text from a friend, not saying anything else, but "Its time to fight my dear, fight like hell." So that's what I am doing. I am fighting and it hurts and it is exhausting and most of time all I want to do is sit and cry. I do allow myself to cry. I allow myself to feel and to cry if I need to, but that can not become your life. You're in control. You have the power. Not to say I don't get sad and I am not fighting myself all day not to cut, because I do. Every second of everyday I am trying to keep myself busy and clean. You need to find a way to avoid siting alone, thinking, over thinking, and then begin the dangerous road of hating yourself. I wish I could tell you that its easier the next time around, but its not. Not even close. I would go to say that its harder. BUT it is worth it. I can tell you its going to be worth it when thanksgiving comes around and I go to see my friends back home and its going to be worth it when I go home for Christmas and I can see my brothers and sisters and my whole family. I can tell you it will be worth it when one day again I can say I am 90 days clean. 

I know you can do it. I know you have people who care in love you and once you can see that it will become that much easier to get up everyday and fight.

So, go on, fight. Fight like Hell.

Baby steps.

Katelyn

If I Can Be an Example of Getting Sober Then I Can Be an Example of Starting Over.

I have stared at this computer screen for two hours now and I can't find the words to say what I need to, but I found a song that could. So here it is.

Starting Over- Macklemore

In a while the trust that I once built ’s been betrayed
But I’d rather live telling the truth than be judged for my mistakes
Them falsely held up, gave em props loved then praise
I guess I gotta get this on the page

Feeling sick and helpless, lost the compass where self is
I know what I gotta do and I can’t help it
One day at a time is what they tell us
Now I gotta find a way to tell them
God help ‘em
One day at a time is what they tell us
Now I gotta find a way to tell them

We fell so hard
Now we gotta get back what we lost.. 
I felt you’d go
But you were with me all along.. 

And every kid that came up to me
And said I was the music they listened to when they first got clean
Now look at me, a couple days sober
I’m fighting demons
Back of that meeting on the east side 
Shaking tweaking, hope that they don’t see it
Hope that no one is looking
That no one recognizes that failure under that hoodie
Was posted in the back with my hands crossed shooken
If they call on me I’m passing, if they talk to me I’m booking out that door
But before I can make it somebody stops me and says are you Macklemore?
Maybe this isn’t the place or time
I just wanted to say that if it wasn’t for Otherside I wouldn’t have made it
I just look down at the ground and say thank you
She tells me she has 9 months and that she’s so grateful
Tears in her eyes, looking like she’s gonna cry.. 
I barely got 48 hours, treated like I’m some wise monk
I wanna tell her I relapsed but I can’t
I just shake her hand and tell her congrats
Get back to my car and I think I’m tripping yeah
Cuz God wrote Otherside, that pen was in my hand
I’m just a flawed man, man I eff'd up
Like so many others I just never thought I would
I never thought I would, didn’t pick up the book
Doin’ it by myself, didn’t turn out that good

If I can be an example of getting sober
Then I can be an example of starting over
If I can be an example of getting sober
Then I can be an example of starting over

We fell so hard
Now we gotta get back what we lost.. lost..
I felt you’d go
But you were with me all along.. along..

Baby Steps is what I am telling myself today. So I will tell you the same.

XOXO
katelyn

Hiding Behind a Crocked Smile

Depression is all consuming. It makes you feel weak and lonely. Depression takes over your thoughts until you just start to think those thoughts are your own. With all of this comes trying to hide it from everyone. I loved to have a smile plastered on my face. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting. I wanted to make sure everyone around me was happy before my own happiness even came close to mattering. All day I would be smiling, trying to be the happy or pretend I was, but then when my family would go to sleep and the house would get quiet is when I finally would break. The time between eighth grade year and my freshman of high school I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I learned that I could it hold it in until I completely fell apart and no one knew. Around that time is when I began my very long road with self harm. I did my best to hide it for a long time. My family I don't think, really knew what to do with me. So I didn't feel like I could turn to them. My friends weren't the best human beings in the world and the only Katelyn they knew was the happy one who was on the cheerleading squad and had a new boy friend ever week, so I just told no one. I wasn't very religious most of my high school career and a lot of that steamed from a failed suicide attempt and I was just angry with God for a really long time, but I still tried to reach out to him, but he never seemed to answer when I needed him. Therefore I was left with nowhere to go, no one to turn to, it was just me lying on the floor most nights trying to muffle the crying for ours. The silent screams that I tried to make loud so someone would hear me never happened, so for years I just lived my life like that. I was tired, I was angry, and I wanted to die by the age of fourteen.

In high school I don't ever remember someone talking about depression as a disease, it was taught as your crazy, get help. We were never given any tools or knowledge to be able to recognize and help ourselves. It was something kids joked about, killing yourself. I didn't ever feel comfortable talking about what I was feeling, I just thought I was crazy and that was it. And then I started talking. It took me going through therapist after therapist, but then I met my councilor Stephanie and then I finally started to get it. 

Being able to talk is so important. I can't even begin to explain how much talking through. . . my life basically has changed me for the better. It is something I had never really done before and to be honest I hated it at first. It made me sad talking about my past and it brought up a lot of hold feelings that I never wanted to feel again, but overall it helped. I know finding the right therapist is hard and it takes a long time and if you haven't found the one that just right for you then make sure you are talking to someone. The longer you bottle things up the more likely it is that you will finally break. Everyone has their breaking point. You can only be in so much pain before it all falls apart. So find someone you TRUST that is key and talk. Just start talking, don't be afraid. You can do it. 

Just keep taking those baby steps.

Katelyn 

PS. atwarwithyourself.blogspot.com check it out.

Well, I know the feeling

Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge

And there ain't no healing

From cutting yourself with the jagged edge

I'm telling you that, it's never that bad

Take it from someone who's been where you're at

Laid out on the floor

And you're not sure you can take this anymore

So just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you

Out of the darkness and into the light

'Cause I have faith in you

That you're gonna make it through another night

Stop thinking about the easy way out

There's no need to go and blow the candle out

Because you're not done

You're far too young

And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Well, everybody's hit the bottom

Everybody's been forgotten

When everybody's tired of being alone

Yeah, everybody's been abandoned

And left a little empty handed

So if you're out there barely hanging on...

Just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby

Lullaby by Nickleback 

Saving You

I have talked about how music can get you through just about anything and in my last blog posted I talked about how this past week has been really tough. As I was listening to the playlist on Spotifiy called TWLOHA I heard a song that, today got me through. It made the thoughts of wanting to self harm disappear. A lot of times I want to escape this paralyzing world that I walk on everyday. You feel like no one knows what its like to be buried in this whole. Sometimes you feel everything at once and others you feel nothing at all. Today was one of those days where I felt nothing at all, but then I hit a wall where I then felt everything all at once. If there is another thing I have learned this week its that medicine is not a magic fix. It doesn't heal you, it doesn't cure you. I will always struggle with major Depression and Bipolar Disorder and I hate that I will have to deal with the mood swings the rest of my life. It is frustrating that I cant explain why I am sad most days and its hard that I can't explain why I am happy one day and so low the next, but I have to use the coping skills that I have learned, use the tools given to me, and fight. You have to fight everyday and it hurts and its hard, and most of the day I am exhausted. I want to crawl in bed and sleep for days, but its not an option. Living is the only option and in order to do that you just have to keep going. You can not stop. As hard as it gets and if you think you can't make it... I am here to tell you can, because if I can make it anyone can. I didn't always think that, but I do now. You can do it. On of the most important people in my life always told me when I would want to give up, "You can do hard things." So can you. Everyone can do hard things as long as you put in the work.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song. It's called "Saving You" by Chris Granim

Sit back You're not so different 
Drop the gun Don't hurt anyone 
I know the pain inside 
Just look into my eyes 
Cry It's just you and I
We've gone through everything And everything's alright 
Look into my eyes 
Don't say goodbye 
I'll be your friend 
Turn the lights off Baby think again
Don't say goodbye I'll be your friend 
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 
Tonight we'll change your life 
And tonight I'll be here my friend 
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 
Tonight we'll change your life 
And tonight I'll be here my friend
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 
Sit back You're not so different 
Drop the gun Don't hurt anyone 
I know the pain inside 
Just look into my eyes 
Cry It's just you and I
We've gone through everything And everything's alright
Look into my eyes 
Don't say goodbye
I'll be your friend 
Turn the lights off Baby think again
Don't say goodbye 
I'll be your friend
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 
You've got nothing to die for So live it up.
You've got nothing to cry forget it all.
Tonight we'll change your life 
And tonight I'll be here my friend
I'll keep on saving you Over and over again 

XOXO,

Katelyn