I moved in with a church leader of mine last spring. It didn't take very long for me to attach myself to her. I used to sleep in her bed every night and it got to a point where we had to set up almost a limit of how many times I could sleep in her bed a week. I don't really know in the moment when I am attaching to someone until I can step back from the situation. I will try to explain just how attached I was. When I would sleep in her bed I would fall asleep with my arm over top of her that way if she were to move I would wake up. I had this overwhelming fear that she was going to leave in the middle of the night an never come back. Which sounds crazy and stupid, but it was a legit fear I had.
Me and this church leader talk everyday pretty much all day. She is always the first one I call when I am sad or lonely or need help. There are many times when I feel so guilty for attaching to her that I just start crying and feel sick to my stomach simply because she didn't ask for me to be attached her.
I was very confused as to why I was so attached to her and as I asked in therapy why I was this way and as she explained it to me I was sort of able to make sense of it all. I see her as a mother figure and she showed me the affection that a mother would. She would hold me when I was hurt and comfort me when I was at my lowest of lows.
The reason I am talking about this now is because I am getting ready to come home from college for a few weeks and spend some of those weeks with her. I am terrified. I know as soon as I am home all I will want to do is sleep in her bed again and crawl up next her all the time. There are some things that I am trying to work through and come to terms with and I cry a lot and I don't want to be crying my whole trip, but I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to know that when I will cry, she's is actually going to be there. Being at college hasn't stopped her from being there for me, but she hasn't been able to physically be there to give me a hug or hold me if I was having hard time. All of these things aside my biggest fear is jumping back to old habits and I just hope I am strong enough not to go back.
Being embarrassed of something you struggle with is hard. Its hard because you don't ever wanna talk about it and because of that you keep it bottled up. I never talk about this and because of that its made me feel weird and really really alone.
Don't bottle things up. If you need to talk, talk. Write it down if you just need to get it out. You're not alone. I promise.
Baby steps,
Katelyn.
everybody hurts, everybody falls, everybody tries
but we'll never win the all
everybody cries, everybody fails, everybody dies a million time
and what we need is someone
when somebody saves you reaches out their hands
when somebody saves you doing what they can
somebody saves you somebody saves you
somebody saves you, every life is hard
every tear drop sting, everybody has to face
so many many thinks, we all have our wounds
we all have our scars, and there are no promises
tomorrow won't be hard,
when somebody saves you reaches out their hands
when somebody saves you doing what they can,
when somebody saves you get you safe and sound,
when somebody saves you you were lost and found,
you were lost and found somebody saves you
somebody saves you, somebody saves you
sometimes, we and up on the ground
sometimes, we need someone
sometimes we and up on the ground
sometimes, we need someone,
when somebody saves you reaches out their hands
when somebody saves you doing what they can,
when somebody saves you get you safe and sound,
when somebody saves you when you' re down and out,
and you were lost and found, gettnig pushed around,
and you were lost and found, somebody saves you,
somebody saves you, somebody saves, somebody saves you,
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